Does your wife frustrate you? Do you think she might be a little “off balance” sometimes? Don’t understand her and think it might be scary if you did?
Come on, admit it. The things that scare you about your girl are the very things that make her so intriguing to you. She’s an alluring creature with a little mystery and excitement mixed in. What’s not to love? (Don’t answer that…)
Makes me think about the Pat Monahan song called “Her Eyes” where he says, “Sometimes I think she’s truly crazy…and I love it.” But I digress….
(*I am throwing in another page you should read. What All Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew puts the female mind into perspective for you. Plus, it’s much more entertaining than this page.)
Females are the glue that holds humanity together. Their love and nurturing wraps around guys every second of their lives. (I always say men never grow up, they just leave one mother and go to another when they get married!) From the cradle to the grave, most men have supportive women taking care of them.
And guys wouldn’t have it any other way. In fact, they bask in the idea of a female who loves them more than any other person in the world. Men are attracted to the foreign mixture of warm softness and mysterious mood changes. And a little bit of scariness is okay because roller coasters are fun, right?
My own husband says I am unpredictable – which both excites and terrifies him. (I call that entertaining, but he doesn’t think that’s nearly as funny as I do.)
When I decided to write this guide, I first went back and read the Guys’ Page (About Us Girls) and I wondered what else I could say to give all you curious guys some insight. After all, being one of those girls, I want you guys to see where we are coming from.
We want to love you so much it hurts.
We long to trust you with every little thing in our lives.
We are begging you to be the rock we can always depend on.
We want you to be our hero and we want to be your princess.
We will give you EVERYTHING we have in return.
Are you up for it? I thought so.
First of all, we must cover the three basic things women need in life to be happy (besides love, which everyone needs). These things are: time, romance, and security.
Time to venture into our world. Don’t worry, this won’t hurt a bit!
Your time is the most valuable thing you have in life. It is more important than your money or possessions. How you choose to spend your time says volumes about you…..especially to your wife. You are sending unconscious messages to your wife about how important (or unimportant) she is to you every single day whether you realize it or not.
Pretty heavy when you think about it, huh?
So don’t brush off an important date with us then try to patch it up with a gift. We want another date! Time, guys. Time, time, time!
So don’t be one of THOSE guys. You want to be the guy that all your wife’s friends are jealous of. Go ahead and make her the envy of all her friends. The benefits for you will be astronomical.
Sometimes guys get into the “old school” rut by thinking, “I provide well for my family, so they know how much I love them.” Not necessarily. Life can pass you by quickly if you don’t stop and smell the roses. The great part is that she wants to smell them with you, so you will not have to do it alone.
Your wife actually needs time in two different areas. She needs couple time with you, and she also needs time of her own. This can be used to be completely alone or go out with her girlfriends. A woman’s time is never her own once she gets married, especially if she has kids. Very few women are able to effectively carve out time for themselves once they start down this path in life.
Here’s where you come in. You need to make it your mission in life to help her gain the time she needs. (Be her administrative assistant. She needs one!)
Set a regular date night with her. Weekly is the best, but bi weekly or even monthly is fine if that’s what you can fit into your schedule. This is a great time for you to get proactive and plan ahead. Get a sitter or trade out babysitting time with another couple. Make sure to plan a date that both of you will enjoy. You might eat at your favorite restaurant but then see the movie that she picks. Sometimes you will want to pamper her and let the whole night be about her alone. (That will get you mega points with her.)
Next, make sure she gets some time for herself. She will sometimes want to be alone. Other times she will probably need some time with the girls. Now, don’t take this alone time she needs personally. She still loves you, she just needs to be with others of her own kind occasionally. You understand her in ways that her friends never could, but her friends also understand her in ways that you never could either. That Y chromosome you have makes all the difference. So think of it like this: She’s recharging her battery to come back to you. Use that time to do something with the guys or something special with the kids (if you have them).
So here’s the skinny. Your wife wants to feel like the two of you are still dating. Period. That’s what she wants every minute of everyday. (Kind of like how you want sex every minute of every day.) She is wired to want romance, just like you are wired to want sex. She is ecstatically happy when her needs are met, which means she will be more inclined to meet your needs. See how this could be a win/win situation for both of you?
Don’t get lazy like lots of guys do. The things that made her fall in love with you – will also KEEP her in love with you. See where I am going with this? You still need to do the little things that made her feel special.
Some guys think all females are high maintenance, but in reality very few of us really are. If you give your wife lots of quality time, then you have already won half the battle. And remember, little things mean a whole lot to us. So you can do a small thing like stop by the donut shop and buy her favorite pastry. She will be ecstatically happy because you:
a) took the time to think of something special to do for her
b) took more time to physically follow through and actually do the special thing for her
I realize that most guys are not against romancing their wives, they just simply can’t think of what to do. For a list of ideas to get you started, please visit our Points Calendar page. (It’s called that because it gets you big time points with your wife.)
One note of caution: Pick a variety of things to do for your wife. If you get stuck doing the same thing over and over the gesture might not continue to have the same impact. She will start to feel like you are just going through the motions without putting any true thought into it.
You may be tempted to argue with me on that last point, but trust me. Girls are not like guys. You have to put a little bit of effort into it if you want the optimal results. And if you do the same thing over and over, then she knows you are not putting out much effort.
I KNOW you wouldn’t care if she did the same thing over and over for you. But that’s why you are reading this husband guide, right? (To understand her better.)
Women are at their best when they feel secure in life. And she can’t give you her best if she doesn’t feel her best, right? She needs to feel secure and protected physically, mentally, and emotionally.
You probably have a good idea of how to protect her physically. Most guys have no problem rising to the occasion when their girl is in danger. So let’s talk about mental and emotional security.
These two actually tie together in most ways.
First, I have to say the obvious. DON’T BE A PIG! Don’t comment on the attributes of other females. Don’t compare her with anyone else on the planet unless it is to tell her that she’s better.
Anything you do that undermines her in any way will lead to her feeling insecure about your attachment to her. To her this means you might find someone better than her and leave. At the very least it means she is not your favorite girl on the planet, which is potentially devastating to any female. (Trust me – I know what I’m talking about.)
If you say, “Katy Perry looks hot in that video” what she hears is “Katy Perry is prettier/hotter/better than you and I wish I had her instead.” Ouch!!!
How much this will affect her depends on many factors within her as a person (and the two of you as a couple), but it is not a healthy thing for her or your relationship on any level. So if you can’t think of anything nice to say to her, just don’t say anything.
Next, she needs to feel like she has a mental connection with you. Communication is the biggest component of that. For a good way to get things rolling visit the Questions For Couples page.
Spending more time together will give you more to talk about. (Yes, we are back to “time” again. But it’s important!) If you have separate hobbies, then find a way to integrate some of them. If you cannot get interested in things she does, then take up a mutually interesting new hobby that you can both enjoy.
My husband listens to music he would never pick on his own and follows me to concerts that are out of his comfort zone. However, he has found that his taste in music is more varied than he thought before, plus he gets BIG points for actively engaging in what makes me happy. (I also ride rail buggies with him, go to racing events, and watch “How It’s Made”.)
You might also read the same book or go to a movie that you can talk about. Some guys will think this is a cheesy idea, but it really works. And it’s all about how much you want to make her happy and improve your marriage. With that goal in mind, most people will think it’s worth getting out of your comfort zone a little bit.
Now that she is on her way to feeling mentally connected and secure with you, let’s talk about the emotional part.
Do you tell your wife that you love her? If so, how often? If you don’t tell her that you love her, then you need to start now. You can text her, email her, leave a little note, etc. but she also needs to hear it verbally from you. (I suggest a combination of all these.)
The next thing to consider is this: Do your actions reflect what you say? You know the saying “actions speak louder than words”? You can tell her you love her all day long, but if you treat her in a disrespected way she is getting mixed messages.
So this goes hand in hand. You must TELL her you love her AND you must SHOW her you love her too. One without the other is not enough to keep her securely attached to you.
Here’s a few other important rules:
1. Shut Up and Don’t Try To Fix Her While She Cries
She doesn’t need you to fix EVERYTHING. Sometimes she just wants you to listen without interjecting your thoughts. If and when she wants your help, she will ask for it. Just sit there with your arm around her and tell her you support her and you are there for whatever she needs. And when you get the urge to say something else – don’t.
2. Don’t Interrupt Her
You should never interrupt anyone, but especially not her. If you interrupt her while she’s trying to tell you something here’s the message she gets: “He thinks what I’m saying is unimportant, so my thoughts are not important to him. He doesn’t value me as a person very much.”
Now, I know that’s probably not what it means to you, but it is what it is.
(Sometimes I think I should put a male/female translator on my website.)
The thing I always try to stress to guys is this: She wants to talk to you because she loves and values you. She wants you to be a part of her everyday life. That’s why she tells you about her haircut being wrong or the bank teller who was rude to her.
When she doesn’t care about talking to you – buddy, you are in trouble – because she doesn’t care about YOU!
3. Don’t Criticize Her In Front Of Others
You could never be as critical of her as she is of herself. So, believe me, she has already noticed every flaw you can possibly point out. What are you doing criticizing her, anyway? Your goal should be to make the woman you love feel BETTER about herself, not WORSE. Never forget that.
4. Don’t Let Disagreements and Baggage Keep You From Seeing the Beautiful Woman You Married
So many couples fall into this trap. Life can throw a lot at you. Over the years, it’s easy of overlook the good stuff and focus more on the bad stuff. Make a genuine effort not to let this happen in your marriage. Stop and see her for what she is. She’s the beautiful, dynamic, loving woman that you married. She might be overworked and stressed, but she’s still in there. Life gets to her as much as it gets to you. That’s why she needs all the things we talked about above. It’s good medicine for her, for you, and for your marriage.
If you are interested in revamping your relationship with your husband, a good place to start is with 30 Days of Gratitude. It takes just a minute or two each day, but it will make a huge impact on your relationship.
Here are some other resources you will find helpful:
50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships was written by Michael Webb (as seen on the Oprah Winfrey Show and other media outlets) and is designed to bring couples closer than they ever thought possible. This e-book reveals tactics that are proven to work for couples who have long, happy, successful relationships.
1000 Questions For Couples is the most comprehensive communication tool out there. If you want to understand and know your partner on the most intimate level, then this e-book is for you. You can literally print it off, put it on your shelf, and use it for decades to come. It never goes out of style or becomes outdated. It’s an overall great value.
If you are the victim of an unwanted break up, please visit The Magic of Making Up for help.
Hope this husband guide has given you some useful information. If this article has helped you at all, please help a girl out and “like” it or share it below. Thanks!
by Angela Christian Pope @ ModernRelationship.org